Don't Tell the Bride (but this time someone really should have...)

- Contains spoilers for BBC3's Don't Tell the Bride, 22/9/10

Hapless groom to be, Simon, shouldn't be in charge of organising his own dinner let alone a whole wedding. In three weeks nonetheless. But this is what he unwisely attempted to do. I spent this weeks episode of Don't Tell the Bride alternating between facepalming and gasping open mouthed in shock as I watched this halfwit effectively plot his own relationship's demise and secure the lifelong hatred of his sweetheart's family. And possibly his own. Maybe said sweetheart's too.

If like myself you regularly dwell in the realms of BB3 trash tv you will have most likely encountered Don't Tell the Bride at some point, now in its fourth series. For the more intellectual minded of you who shun such fare in favor of more wholesome activities such as reading fine literature, chess and spinning expensive china plates on sticks, have no fear for I shall ever so kindly fill you in. It's a simple format making for brainless, enjoyable TV. A couple, usually young and lacking cash to get married for various reasons are handed a lovely 12 grand wad of cash and told to go get themselves hitched, huzzah! There is a catch of course and if you're a smart cookie you would have figured the title is a clue. The groom has to organise the wedding with a trusty best man while an anxious bride is kept in the dark living with relatives, forbidden to have any form of contact with her guy for the three weeks he has in which to prepare.

I have no time for mindless TV, I have plates to spin.

The result is often predicable. The young man, much like the bird leaving the nest, steps into a new unknown world but he is free! There may be no one to keep him properly nourished ("I'll get my protein from pizza cheese right?), his socks clean or make sure he isn't dressed like a rainbow vomited on him but no worries. Here comes his trusty best man with a friendly grin and a crate of beer. He'll sort you out! Just a couple drinks and we'll start right away! OK, tomorrow morning...afternoon. More often than not the first night is spent getting merry and and resurrecting the Xbox to its former place of pride in the living room with the understanding that there is plenty of time left and things will be sorted tomorrow. In a typical show the duo will proceed to organise themselves a lavish stag party, a not so lavish run of the mill hen do, settle on a safe choice venue, dress, colour scheme, flowers, cars etc after previously debating more outlandish options guaranteed to make their wife to spend the rest of their married life punishing them. Usually the women is so overwhelmed with emotion at not seeing her beloved for three weeks that all is forgiven, tears are shed and a great party is had by all. A lovely satisfying end!


But not this week. Never have I watched such painful car crash television. Excruciating viewing almost right from the beginning. Kayleigh and Simon appear a sweet couple, together 6 years. Kayleigh is very much a family girl stating her mother and sister as her best friends. Simon is a man who likes to gamble and met his best friend when he saw him performing as Elvis. These two guys left together decide on a venue first which seems sensible. Until they figure it's a good idea to let the roulette wheel decide the location. Red means England, black means....Vegas. Yep you've guessed it the ball lands on black, twenty quid up the boys share a moment seemingly oblivious to the total badness of their idea. Seriously. The worst idea in the history of weddings and possible ever.

The wheel: a good idea. Surprise Vegas wedding, not so much.

Without a second thought Simon gets on the phone and sorts out flights, amounting to almost nine hundred quid per person, eating a mighty slice of his twelve grand budget pie. How to claw back some money? Why leave out some of the most important people of your life of course! Does the bride really need more than one bridesmaid? Pah! Surely her brother won't mind house sitting while they live it up in Vegas. Simon even neglects to invite his own sister whittling the guest list down to a lousy 6. Both sets of parents, best man and Kayleigh's sister as bridesmaid. He doesn't even contemplate simply having the wedding in good ole England where of course more of their loved ones are able to attend. After all, what the roulette table says goes, you don't wanna fuck with casino destiny gods.

In Vegas the boys sort out a venue, dress and suits. Back on British shores Kayleigh is sent for a day out with her sister while the parents, siblings and prospective bridesmaids gather to watch the DVD Simon has sent them. They pop it in and he appears on screen, holding a picture of a country manor with green grounds. Everyone is visibly confused as Simon grins, "No we're not going here!" before gleefully breaking the news of his Vegas surprise. He regretfully informs them that not everyone can come although his apology is ruined by the fact he giggled a bit. Kayleigh's brother looks stern as the seated women start weeping into the sofa. At this point I can barely look, this is worse than watching a horror film! He has made three women cry, and none of them are even the one he is marrying, I am dreading her reaction.

As the episode progresses I feel more and more voyeur-esque as it all crumbles down. At the airport poor Kayleigh can't stop crying and I wonder how entirely, purely, simply stupid does Simon have to be not to anticipate this reaction. Does he have some rare undiagnosed disease that makes the logical part of his brain cease to function when left to his own devices? Is leaving him and his Elvis obsessed best friend alone together a potent combination of stupidly that inevitably leads to disaster? Maybe he's just a dick who likes to make girls cry. Whatever the reason Kayleigh reluctantly gets on the plane although without her sister who now stands opposed to the whole thing and I can't blame her. You'll need to get the whole family shit hot christmas presents every year now Simon. Especially the brother. He's bigger than you and mighty pissed off.

Despite it all, the pair eventually make it to the aisle, nearly breaking up several times in the process. Can't you see what kind of man you're marrying, you foolish fool! He would forget to invite his baby to it's own christening, he would take the lead out for a walk leaving the dog indoors. From now on Kayleigh you are effectively a Siamese twin. This man has shown he cannot be left to make decisions about anything at all. I can't think of one thing he did solely to please his bride in the show. I must admit when I saw the clip for this episode last week, my inner Kerry cried, hurray tears! Genuine tears of sadness. Tired I was of silly grooms making unsettling choices but ultimately leading to no retribution from their forgiving spouse. Oh how glad I will be to return to the status quo of familiar feel good trash TV. I will delight in misfortune no more!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00tp553/Dont_Tell_the_Bride_Series_4_Simon_and_Kaleigh/

 

Tetris : Serious Business

Brow furrowed in concentration, hunched over the keyboard, eyes following every movement on the screen, barely blinking. Deathly still apart from a flurry of furious fingers madly hammering keys. The figure suddenly ceases, thumps her fists onto the desk and exclaims: "Shitballs!" Who could this angry, studious yet foulmouthed character be, you may ask yourself. And what the hell are they doing that requires such fierce concentration. Sadly this would be me and you have just found me engrossed in a game of "Tetris Battle".

Based on the old Russian classic, the premise of Tetris Battle is to defeat your opponent by making as much lines as possible using the Tetrominoes which clogs up their screen with mostly useless grey blocks. You have 2 minutes to out-tetris your adversary and gain or lose stars for your effort which lead to you ranking up or down.

I have spent more time than I care to admit this past week on Tetris Battle. I can turn my tetrominoe 360 and back with my arrow keys in a nanosecond, I see possible and future line formations with startling clarity, to watch me play you would swear no one in the world could possibly be as quick as me or more likely you would stifle a yawn as you check whats on TV. It's very boring to watch someone play tetris. Yet all around the world there are fellow nimble fingered freaks with quicker moves and exotic names, going at it this very second. Gaining, losing ranks and yelling unashamedly at their unknowing foreign gamer counterparts behind the safety of their computer monitor.

Wait a second, you're thinking. Yelling? Who could get so worked up over a game which is after all supposed to be a fun pastime. Introducing nerdrage. This phenomena is no stranger to most gamers, certainly including myself. Symptoms include : unfeasible amounts of swearing; some going as far as to create entirely new ways of cursing, the stamping of feet or fists, shouting intelligibly at your innocent screen or family pet, turning your equipment's power off without following proper shutting down measures and in more extreme cases broken hardware, holes punched in the wall and maybe even broken digits.

As a long time player of popular MMO World of Warcraft (don't you roll your eyes at me, I can see you >:O) I've had my fair share of rage moments. Quitting a group in a huff, getting passionately involved in petty battleground squabbles and calling people's mothers names that would I would blush at in calmer moments.

(the message in the above image was sent to me after telling someone, sorry they couldn't join the raid as it was full)

But as I climb the ranks of Tetris Battle, my out pourings seem to be more frequent and intense. Even after a win I was outraged that my opponent was called "Ng". That's not a name, its a sound dammit. It has no vowels! You don't see me going around being called "hwkffp" do you. At 268 wins and god knows how many losses I have achieved the dizzying heights of rank 18 and man these fuckers are good. Its like they are divine entities sent by the Puzzle Gods to show off to us less gifted earthlings. Like they were born with the sole purpose of playing tetris. Their parents tied in an ultimate tetris worldwide tournament, passed down their Superior genes then the was were genetically modified to enhance their already extraordinary skills.

And how did I become to share the rank of these enigmatic beings? I play it safe. I thought I was fast but wow these guys fill a screen when I have the audacity to take a moment to blink. However this can sometimes work in my favor and with a few well timed lines I can "knock out" their screen, meaning they have reached the top and get to start again at the bottom however they can make as many lines as they want but they won't beat me if I have more knock outs. I have explored the realms of my own nerdrage, but I cannot bring myself to imagine theirs. I think if ears truly burned when a person was being talked about my head would be on fire. I will continue to bravely battle onwards, the underdog in a realm of genetically modified angel freaks, cussing and performing celebratory dances as I go until I reach the top. Or more likely become bored in a week and get obsessed with something else. Lets hope its not Starcraft

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbpCLqryN-Q&feature=player_embedded